cracking skulls...

it's 8.41 am, i have a little while before i need to get ready to leave for school. but, sometimes i don't want to leave the house, especially lately when i feel so alone. in my mind space people just plain suck. no one is who they claim to really be, and i wind up simply feeling let down. or, is it i'm just too gullible or stupid? yes, it's true i become attached to others but isn't that a part of humanity and the human condition? anthropologically, aren't we meant to gather to form communities?

i suppose i'm more of a loner than a group person, and maybe this is due to my being an only child who didn't have friends until fourth grade. it could be my strange (and sometimes not-so strange) up-bringing of the not-so-unusual divorced parents but also the inclusion of my aunt and uncle who were the free-thinking, ultra, liberal hippies. as i got older, and my father remarried a horrorshow of a woman i began recognizing his limitations and emotional incapacities. i began wishing my uncle was my father - i was already close with my uncle but the diminshment of my relationship with my father only solidified my relationship with my uncle further. however, i've learned over the years that my uncle is my uncle; he is not my father and we have a very special bond.

probably nothing i said above makes sense since i haven't laid a contextual foundation but, for a long while i spent most of my time in the company of adults. i did what i wanted when i wanted and was wiser above my years except once i became an adult i wanted only to be a child. oh, the irony.

so, now here i am - alone, but not alone. i feel myself on the precipice of making a big change. what could be greater than opening oneself to a better life? and, yet still i'm not quite ready to take that leap - what if i crack my skull on the way down? or, what if i don't and i find happiness?

it's really not so deep. literally nor figuratively.

as tiger woods would say, "just do it," except we all know what he's been up to lately.

fortunately, i don't have his vice.

instead i'll stick to my own and take a double Jameson neat.