the friends we love...

there was "squirrel," aka melissa who was a glowing, red haired beauty. i don't think i know anyone who has as great or, sometimes, as strange a style as melissa. and, i like thinking of her this way since she's no longer with us. actually, i hate that fucking phrase, "no longer with us." she is with me in memory as i just wrote about her sense of style since her liveliness is still very fresh in my mind.

i try to not think of zack, but when i do i feel chilly and sad. there is a stark difference between the death of melissa and zack's death. when i think of zack i feel cold, sad, and still sometimes i'm reminded of good times but i think i'm also angry (as much as i wish this wasn't true). i'm pissed off. why did he do that to himself? i'm hardly one to talk but i've had years to reflect upon my actions and misdeeds - so, yes, i'm pissed. i will never see zack again, and it hurts but i'm also angry with him. (*it's now 11/2/10 and after rereading what i just wrote i want to retch, then scold myself for being a self-righteous, indignant dick when i disregarded zack's own problems. i loved that kid. wtf? i write a lot of shit that is just...well...bullshit. glad i at least realize it at some point. or..)

oh my, it was accident but by his own fault it was an accident. some may think i'm callous or cold but for months i coddled the sadness and loss of him. however, inside there was an anger brewing that i didn't understand until i realized i was holding back my anger toward HIM. i had been angry at zack because it was his fault he died. yet, i felt guilty for feeling this way. i still feel mixed up about the entire situation - i understand what he was going through as i've been through it, myself. i still loved him, but i was pissed off. blergh.

and, now my best friend's heart has been broken.

i write this only to make heads or tails out of the picture. it's fucking confusing and heartbreaking.

*out.

moving forward

the definition of insanity is to repeat the same action again and again expecting different results; if this is true then i am 100% insane. however, insanity is technically used only as a legal term and holds no foundation in the psychological world. but, for shits 'n giggles i'm going to use it here for my purpose. if i am insane, by the above definition, than how do i reverse the diagnosis?

i pursue love like a hound pursues the hunter's prey, and it's plain pathetic. why can't i learn from my mistakes? well, i plan to do so. first, i choose the wrong people, and second, i give away too much vulnerability and pure heart - not acceptable. this will stop here and now.

but, now i realize i need to pay closer attention to my own vulnerabilities; i need to recognize why and how i respond to the rejections by someone i hardly know. why do i myself fall on the little self-respect and dignity i have left?

i'm too busy, and too sensitive for this kind of drama. i have school, soon i will be volunteering, i have friends, i have my family, and for chrissakes i have SOME fucking dignity. groveling does not become me.

anyhow, i feel stronger for having this experience because i'm learning to overcome acting upon these urgent feelings; hopefully, i will, instead, try to use those intense feelings more proactively. i always believe we, as people, are works in progress - we might fuck-up - but we can always mend our ways by learning from our mistakes.

*out muthafuckers.