at least i tried...

gave up

perfect little dream the kind that hurts the most
forgot how it feels well almost
no one to blame always the same
open my eyes wake up in flames
it took you to make me realize
it took you to make me realize
it took you to make me realize
it took you to make me see the light
smashed up my sanity
smashed up my integrity
smashed up what i believed in
smashed up what's left of me
smashed up my everything
smashed up all that was true
gonna smash myself to pieces
i don't know what else to do
covered in hope and vaseline
still cannot fix this broken machine
watching the hole it used to be mine
just watching it burn in my steady systematic decline
of the trust i will betray
give it to me i throw it away
after everything i've done i hate myself for what i've become
i tried
i gave up
throw it away

~nin

i want to step on your foot. i want to look you square in the eyes while i tell you everything i've held in, and if you try to look away i'll keep your face steady with mine because i deserve as much.

wow...really. i've never been so fucked over before - you raised the bar. because i analyze most situations its my nature to want to see things from your perspective but for ONCE i can only feel bloody stunned and yes, i feel bamboozled. you're a con man. you take what you want and when you get it you bail. you're a greedy mutherfucka.

and, i am naive. i know there are sociopath, amoral shit stains like you somewhere sucking the will to live out of sad sacks but HOLY SHIT when i realized that you were one of them i felt my temperature drop. i felt sick.

and, right then, when the bricks fell i knew you are sick, too.

tricks 'n treats

what's a trick? amorous favors

what's a treat? me: kickin your whore mouth in the face.

bye bye, sweetie.

fuck you

after all this worry and all this hurt due to one guy i hardly know i think that it's within my power to stop this nonsense and get a fucking grip. since i met him it's been a downward spiral watcing a small, scared, injured person (who i intuit wants good but can't control his bad habits) make once bad choice after another.

now i truly see how naive i can be.

i only describe what this person has shown me - really, he's a darling. i just can't stay angry. He's like the typical character in an over-done film noir classic. female, lounge singer who has been jilted and wants revenge but instead she falls in love but is still unable to control her vices which causes her to be alone because the more she desires the more she self-destructs.

love is a two-way street....blergh.

which is it? or, maybe somewhere in between? have i said something wrong? as i reread what you've written i realize i'm irrational but you're also witholding. i try to find a good medium to ride against extremism still i am pulled in two different directions. what can i give you that is acceptable?

when i leave the room do accent bubbles form around your head? do you wish i'd want you more or less? is that why there's no welcome mat at your front door? maybe it's my cool silence when you tease me. but, i want you. i want you because i can learn from you - learn how to regulate, learn how to be, learn how to love simply. i want to be able to experience life without the anxiety of analyzing everything - without trying to manage everything. i know this possible.

we live once, we fall in love more times than i imagined; before the age of 10 i truly believed there was such a thing as one, true love - in hindsight, i laugh at my foolishness. love is a comic strip: someone falls down, another person laughs and walks away only to leave the other person seeing birds. the reader is left unamused.

get tacky haikus

They were exhaustive.
We give, grudge, worry, but love fiercely.
The family is crazy amazing.

Dry from the rainstorm.
Your umbrella's closed.
Something is fishy.

Parking lot night time.
Get the Led Out with tacos.
I was so in love.